While any relationship can work regardless of how it started, the reality nowadays is that relationships are increasingly falling apart. It could be because people are unwilling to work hard at sustaining their relationships anymore. This also explains why divorce rates are through the roof.

If you have had several episodes of bad relationships, then it’s likely because of something YOU do. The moment you understand why you might fail at a relationship is likely due to something you do AND NOT who you are; it will give you enormous power to do something about it. The solution is actually within your control.

From experiences and personal research, I have found some major reasons why you may fail in your relationships.

  1. Living in the past

Most people are bound by their previous relationships and never take their minds off them. Living in the past means you’re still emotionally attached to your former partner. The more you have your history in your head, the more detrimental it will be to your present or next relationship.

Never let your past be the reason why your relationship fails. We all understand you have recently gotten out of a relationship, but you just have to move on. To start with, letting go of your past requires that you stop stalking your past. You will need to stop being friends with your ex, as it will prevent you from moving on.

  1. You keep making poor choices.

If most of the people you have dated have been abusers, bad matches, or emotional wrecks, it shows you have not developed the ability to spot the presence of early warning signs.

Sometimes you’ll be so desperate for something to work that you’ll ignore these signs. Consider what the red flags could be, identify them, and write them down on a NO-NO list. If you’ve ever wondered, “Why do I keep dating people that aren’t right for me? You probably should be listening to yourself now.

  1. Unrealistic expectations

Setting unrealistic expectations is another reason you might fail in a relationship. Of course, it’s great to set goals for the relationship as it helps you understand those areas where you and your partner need to put in the effort. But at times, over-expectations can cause your relationships to fail, keeping you dissatisfied with each other.

Individuals’ expectations in the relationship may also diverge over time. This is evident when you distinguish between “what I want” and “what we want.”

Do not impose your desires on your partner or try to change them. Doing this consistently will only drive your relationship toward failure.

  1. You think about yourself alone.

Do you frequently put your needs above others? Do you probably view relationships as opportunities to see what the other person can do for you rather than what you can do for them? 

Knowing what you like and want and pursuing those things is great. But note there will be people who may not want to put up with it, not for long, at least. Ask yourself: “How much of what I desire am I ready to give up?” I’m not talking about relocating to another country or changing your career, but about your day-to-day living.

If you’re the type that won’t make concessions or make a big deal every time you don’t get your way, then it shows you’re self-focused. In this case, I suggest you get a coach to help you figure out why you have such a fuss-throwing attitude and why not getting your way irritates you very quickly.

  1. Communication Difficulties

Nothing is as good as having good communication in a relationship. Many people in relationships struggle with having good communication – without which close partners may even begin to operate in entirely different spheres. 

Research has shown that the level of marital pleasure is influenced by how well you and your partner communicate. The inability to communicate freely can result in contempt or the propensity for every meaningful conversation to devolve into sarcasm and belittling rather than a constructive settlement.

Do you often assume what is going on in your partner’s mind? It might interest you to know that assumption in relationships is a straight ticket to fights and misunderstandings. Why assume when you can simply be honest with your partner and communicate your feelings? Let them know if there’s something they have done that you don’t like. That way, you save yourself from unnecessary mental stress.

  1. Addictions and Abusive Behavior

Do you have some kind of addiction or abusive behavior? Other than alcohol and drug addiction, some behaviors or habits might be so grating that your partner may decide to end the relationship. Simple acts like leaving filthy clothes on the floor, forgetting to put the toothpaste cap back on, or not putting the toilet seat down have led to many relationship failures. Fighting in public, nagging, physical abuse, insulting your spouse, excessive jealousy, and lying are other behaviors that can cause a breakup.

While some people are incredibly tolerant and don’t even notice when others are sticking their noses deep in their mouths, someone like me is super perceptive and can see even the smallest micro-expressions. While you may not have to worry excessively about breathing too loudly, you must be conscious of your behavior.

  1. Immaturity

Age is not a concrete basis for maturity any longer. Being older than your partner does not make you automatically more mature. 

Relationship problems can be easily brought on by immaturity. It becomes obvious when arguments and responsibility crop up. When you refuse to own up to your faults or does not take action for your desired results, it is an obvious sign of a lack of maturity.

  1. Untamed Anger

Anger issues are one of the underrated aspects that lead to a relationship falling apart. If you are the type who punches walls and yells when they’re angry, it would completely freak out your partner, who grew up in a healthy environment where anger was expressed through a calm conversation. There will always be a conflict between you and your partner if your methods of venting anger differ. You might unknowingly cause your partner to experience anxiety every time you yell.

  1. You are boring.

Never should a relationship be about finding someone to complete you; rather, it should be about finding someone to share your fullness with. Your spouse will become your ONLY friend, hobby, passion, etc., if you don’t have many other friends, interests, passions, activities, or plans in your life. They will take on a central role in your life, and the relationship will be out of balance. They’ll probably feel under pressure and obligated to be there for you, so things they’d usually like doing will become chores. This is the fastest route to kill a relationship. So get busy, and have a life of your own. Get out there and experiment. You’ll undoubtedly have exciting tales to share about your relationships.

  1. You’re unreasonably possessive and jealous.

A bit of jealousy is great. It can be a way to let your partner knows how much you care. But if you’re upset because someone of your partner’s type crossed their path and didn’t look away, then you need to work on yourself. Being unsecured can cause you to get jealous too quickly. It can also drive you insane to want to invade your partner’s privacy.

Is jealousy eating you up? You should reflect on why. If there isn’t any valid reason for feeling jealous, but you still do, then you need to identify the root of that insecurity because it won’t go away until you do.

Develop self-assurance and relational security in your relationship. You can achieve this by developing your sense of self-worth on your terms and exercising self-control. Find strategies to divert your attention and concentrate on your own life when you do recognize that you are feeling insecure.

  1. Lack of time

One of the most crucial love languages is quality time. Without giving it the time and effort necessary, it’s almost impossible to have a successful relationship.

What do you do next now that you’re in a new relationship? Is it to sit back and watch the relationship, or do you want to make your relationship work?

One of the major root causes of failed relationships is when partners don’t spend enough time with one another. Even if you both lead a hectic lifestyle, you still need to make time for your partner to keep the relationship going. It does not have to be a showy gesture. If you don’t set aside time, even if it’s a few minutes for your partner, neglect will set in and undoubtedly lead your relationship towards failure. Building a healthy relationship takes time, so you must play your role.

  1. Lack of understanding

One thing is to have time for your relationship; it’s yet another thing to be understanding. Lack of understanding is usually the bedrock of many relationship problems and ultimately contributes to one of the causes of relationship failure.

Fights and intolerance are usually fundamental indicators of a lack of understanding in relationships. You can achieve a lot via open dialogue and constructive arguments. A healthy relationship is not one without fights but a relationship where two people can compromise and find a common point.

  1. Trust is nowhere to be found.

The foundation of any healthy or successful relationship is trust. A relationship becomes discordant when trust is absent: it’s like sitting in a car without gas. While you can only sit in the car, it will not move an inch. Learn to trust your partner no matter how physically far or close they are to you.

Stop being over-suspicious all the time. Except you have a valid reason not to trust them, do not suffocate your partner with needless, self-serving boundaries, and learn to trust them. Otherwise, they are not the right person for you.

  1. Little or no commitment

Commitment is a vital relationship pillar. Your dedication to your relationship will decide how successful it is – or if it will fail. Your relationship will continue to fail if you don’t show any seriousness. Do you ever express any worry about the sustainability of your relationship? If not, it will most likely fail. So, stay committed to your partner (and relationship) and avoid infidelity if you wish to see a future with your partner.

  1. You don’t want to change.

It might not feel very comforting when you consider it that way. But that is the truth. Change is a constant thing. After a while, you should expect your partner to be different from the person you met five or ten years ago. That’s because they are humans, and humans are constantly evolving and changing, just like you are. Note that changes do not always mean problems, so you must learn to accept changes in your relationship. The secret is to have an open mindset and be prepared for changes. 

Final thought

While these are common issues that may make your relationship fail, they can also be opportunities to get your relationship back on track. It’s possible to save your relationship from failing if you and your partner can work through these difficulties and can handle your responsibilities in the situation.


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